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Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Today’s Thoughts: March 25, 2013 (Monday)

Monday, March 25th, 2013

On Passover I go to the Met and chew Matza in front of a mummy, “We won!” What do you mean you can’t define it? “I, for one,…”? Who is saying, “I, for two,…”? Pregnant women? “I, for two, would like some pickles.” Khazars (google it). I hope to God these atheists are wrong. Two zuz is a great price for a goat. Architects go window shopping. Air conditioner but no air shampoo?

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Today’s Thoughts : March 24, 2013 (Sunday)

Monday, March 25th, 2013

How do you tell a duck to watch his head? People keep pissing in subway cars, so clearly the MTA needs to hang more poetry. Oh, you’re “going for a run”? You’re not just, “running”? My doctor is hyper-specialized — all he does is deny my insurance. Staten Island never disappoints me in its ability to disappoint me. Our desire to live is an evolutionary mutation. Exaggerating has gone too far. “Roses are red, violets are blue — what!? No they’re not.” I don’t mean to brag, but I hated Muslims BEFORE 9/11. It’s in the pharmaceutical companies’ interest for you to stay sick and health insurance companies’ for you to die. Happy Passover, Egyptians!


Today’s Thoughts: March 22, 2013 (Friday)

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

“Ass backwards”– Isn’t that the correct direction? “Whoa, this thing is ass forwards.” Call me Ishmael — actually, don’t, I need to get on a plane. Bro, just because you scored doesn’t mean you won. Porn music: you can’t define it, but know it when you hear it. I think we should stop calling them DJ’s and start calling them “iTunes users” or “shuffle jockeys”. Tea spoon, soup spoon, table spoon — who is eating a table? It’s rude to eat in the middle of txting! Today is World Water Day and tomorrow is World Day Day, where you celebrate celebrating your favorite arbitrarily-named day! “Mint candy — whoa, spearmint? Peppermint? What kind of mint?” I bought a can of decompressed air; it was empty. “Politically active” is an oxymoron. Progress is driven by the insane. I have a wikipedic memory — I remember everything anonymous strangers insert in my mind. Why don’t you see any science fair reports on cooties? It’s grammatically possible the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were normal turtles who practiced a bastardized ninjutsu. If life made sense skinny people would be hungrier than fat people. I saw a horse using a paintbrush and told him, “I love what you’ve done with your hair.” One horse to another regarding Mr. Ed: “Why’s he speaking English? He’s too good for Horse?” Someone shit-faced is not necessarily a shit face, but a shit face is always a shit head, which doesn’t mean he’s got shit for brains, but he’s probably been shit-talking and it’d be the shit if he’d wipe that shit-eating grin, step in shit, eat shit and die. Shit, that was some crazy shit. Most people who say they believe in God don’t know what that means. Not everyone will love you, which is good, because I already get too many facebook invites. Rich men like antique objects and young women, who they consider objects. Ironically, most gold-diggers are fiscally irresponsible. Life is like a box of cereal. Tom Hanks called his volleyball “Wilson” because the island was too small to have a girlfriend. Am I damaged or healed? The phrase “mentally challenged” is more offensive and even less accurate than what it replaces — anyone solving a riddle is “mentally challenged”. Our path to inclusion is being retarded. That means slowed, which isn’t accurate in describing genetic differences of people who do many things very fast, like: smile, hug, laugh, and love. And count toothpicks. Everyone is different, and everyone is a mutation, and everyone is wonderful. Well, almost everyone. Ok, some people. Ok, nobody. We all suck.

Today’s Thoughts: March 21, 2013 (Thursday)

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

Today’s Thoughts: “Television set? I see only one.”. At the supermarket I put all my eggs in one basket. Less cars, more trains. Why does it cost hundreds to take a government subsidized Amtrak train? My dog’s shampoo was tested on animals. I’d learn Method acting, but what’s my motivation? “Oh, you offer ‘convenient’ home phone service — can you wire the phone into my pocket?” A Subaru is best during a blizzard, when it’s difficult for people to see that you’re driving a Subaru. I’m willing to dump Taylor Swift for a song. Do you realize you look like a bunch of Snookies? Some people need religion because their real parents didn’t do the job. Everything you know is fiction. Hey, nobody released a documentary on food this week — did we win? If Bloomberg could ban transfats, why doesn’t he ban corn syrup? The piano is one of mankind’s most beautiful inventions. “Paperback”? What about the front? Imagine if school taught how to live. I gave a novelist a book stop and he got writer’s block. Why are we cloning woolly mammoths when Beatles are going extinct!? I’m going to name my band Farewell so people rush to attend the Farewell concert. “Diction” — I’m not going to say it twice. Everything good for you is bad for you. My parents are amazing, and I still turned out this way. My sister is definitely version 2.0. If your song consists of the phrase, “na na na”, are you really a songwriter? The white house has no mirrors — when you want to know what you look like, you stand still and someone paints you. Its better to be a dropout than to graduate Brandeis. Yale has lots of secret societies because nobody wants to hear about them. I once made a Harvard girl cry and run out of a parliamentary debate. Does Matt Damon like apples?

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Today’s Thoughts: March 20, 2013 (Wednesday)

Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

What are the youth up to these days? Do they still measure by days? Most folks who brag they’re proud to be from the USA are from a part of the country that succeeded. Republicans freed the slaves and black people hate us, how’d we fuck that up? The “overhead” compartment is over your entire body. “Oh you were mesmerized? That’s because I studied mesmering.” I’d like to meet a beautiful, balanced, down-to-earth, fun, low-maintenance, Jewish girl — And also a unicorn. “Plan ahead” is redundant. They sell two-hundred-dollar garbage cans — designer trash. It’s funny how health nuts realize they need to “convince” you their food is tasty. I should have written these before I took a sedative. There are Jewish last names “Gold” and “Goldman” — “So, you’re in gold — are you a woman?” “No I’m a gold man, gold man…call me Goldman.” I’ve blown a lot of air through animal horns, for obvious religious reasons. They used to anoint new kings with oil, until they got sponsored by Gatorade. If vinyl is called 33 1/3 and 45, why weren’t CD’s called 500′s? A female Asian cab driver was — stop, you bigots. Why are bags sold in boxes?

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Today’s Thoughts : March 19, 2013 (Tuesday)

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Oh you eat healthy food? I eat dead food. Being underrated is overrated. “Designer maternity clothes? Aren’t you getting fucked enough?” 5…4…3…2…7! If Bloomberg wants to stop fast food joints from serving soda, transfats, foam cups, and cigarettes he should call INS. Sometimes I say things that are a little too Republican. Pick a number between one and Michigan. “Oh, you walked out? I like how you didn’t specify the way you entered, but you specify that you walked as your means of exiting.” What jobs involve needing a helicopter besides President and coast guard? Soda isn’t good for you, but it’s never led me to shtup a fat chick…wait, maybe soda made her fat. Is whats-his-name still Vice President? Nugget is a great word. Gold, chicken, information — nothing bad comes in nugget size. My stripper name is “Krylon – K08400001 – Synthetic Paint Remover”. You know how we sometimes throw a toy to a dog to keep them occupied? That’s most of childhood, too. You’re not attractive enough for me to talk to. If you actually shook someone’s hand they’d be annoyed. A snowboard is a ski shop’s way of getting you to pay full price for half the equipment. Wow, you’re beautiful from certain angles. I did algebra tonight to decide which Peanut Chews package to get on — it made 17 horrific years of education worth it. What’s the psychological profile of a psychological profiler? The more I get involved with a charity the less I want to help them. Ok, this is wrong, but I’m in hotels a lot and every time I pass a room where the door has been left open by the cleaning staff I want to run in and take a dump on the bed. But I’d use a fake poo, because you want to be respectful.

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Today’s Thoughts: March 18, 2013 (Monday)

Monday, March 18th, 2013

True, there are lots of fish in the sea, but I don’t enjoy sex with fish. If you live near the tree, apples are fast food. A good way to reduce plastic bags is to stop buying stuff you don’t need. We don’t say “whippersnapper” enough. What if computers are one big human error? Law and Order SVU is a very rapey show. “Clap your hands!” What else are we clapping?  With regard to “lollipop”, what is a “lolli”? We should give serial killers nerdier names — why are we branding them with catchy names? If you bring a tablet to watch movies while camping, you missed the point of camping. Evil prevails. Prayer of a 22-year-old girl: “Hi Gd! How R u!? Greeaat. I’m #soOverwhelmed I’m like, WTF!? OMG! Oh, that’s you! #youKnowThatDuh. “The only thing I miss about corporate culture is the stationary cabinet. I was sitting at a poker table and the chair next to me folded. IKEA furniture should come with an expiration date. Biking in NYC is Russian roulette, Frogger on wheels. Lawyers have chutzpah to claim ownership over a paper size, “Oh, that’s Legal Size”. I found a funner alternative to skiing and snowboarding: it’s called Florida.

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Today’s Thoughts : March 17, 2013 (Sunday)

Sunday, March 17th, 2013

Most people don’t realize they’re most people. I’m exhausted — at this point I’m having sex for the nap. The “good old days” were bad for most people. What’s great about Instagram is kids are going to know what shallow dolts their moms were. I don’t care if people like me, but if a dog isn’t friendly I’ll wonder what I did wrong for days. If I pay for your dinner it’s a date, but if I hand you the cash it’s prostitution. “Oh you like electronic music? I’m still using a phonograph.” “Jingle bells” is redundant. Vibrate isn’t really silent mode — people can hear your phone buzz — we need another setting: “I’ve got my phone set to ‘electric shock’.” “”Rowing machine’ — Machine? I’m doing all the work.” “Bunny rabbit” is redundant. I don’t care about 13.1 miles, but I’d watch a “Half-ass Marathon” — people on pogo sticks, in shopping carts, clown suits. That’s it: I’m organizing the “Half Ass Marathon for Charity” — who’s in? The people who advise you to supplicate yourself and void your ego always seem to be in leadership positions.

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Today’s Thoughts: March 14, 2013 (Thursday)

Thursday, March 14th, 2013

I found a corner in NYC without a bank. Wait, no, it’s got an ATM. Why “super market” but no “super bodega”? I don’t mean to brag but my Adidas have four stripes. Jock itch sounds athletic. I’m suspicious of bar soap. I’ve won Connect Four in three moves. My grandfather invented salad. I can whistle in 17 languages. I invented the spoon. I wrote the stop sign — “What do you want people to do when they come to the corner?” “Halt!” “Pause!” “Wait a bit!” “Look!” “Damn it, we need a professional. Call Teman.” A podiatrist who loves feet is a pedophile. “PC Richard and Sons” is interesting because PC Richard only had daughters. Pickup trucks don’t lift anything. I wonder if at the Microsoft Campus birds crash in windows. Wet tshirt contests never judge the tshirts — “American Apparel 100% cotton: Excellent absorption! Winner!”

Today’s Thoughts: March 13, 2013 (Wednesday)

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

Someone aught to color in all these zebras. I’d love to run a herd of zebra through a barcode scanner. If an automatic door is still in a box in the factory, is it automatically a door? Anorexics know how to commit. Bloomberg hates fatties. Scarlett Johansson is a shitty bartender. “You’ve got to roll the dice and take your chances” is redundant. We have no idea what we’re doing. Heimlich was a fraud (Google it). I’m not great at biographies, but I know people. We’re suspicious at anyone who claims competence but go along with quacks who claim mastery. I knew a stiff shirt who went with that Thai. What’s with all this prerecorded stuff on Saturday night live? Caricatures are the lowest form of sketch comedy. Safaris and dating are exciting because you might get eaten.

Additional Thoughts Today:

Pope or not, all of these Cardinals rub me the wrong way.
Regarding that common argument against god, I CAN see people and I don’t believe in them.