“Ass backwards”– Isn’t that the correct direction? “Whoa, this thing is ass forwards.” Call me Ishmael — actually, don’t, I need to get on a plane. Bro, just because you scored doesn’t mean you won. Porn music: you can’t define it, but know it when you hear it. I think we should stop calling them DJ’s and start calling them “iTunes users” or “shuffle jockeys”. Tea spoon, soup spoon, table spoon — who is eating a table? It’s rude to eat in the middle of txting! Today is World Water Day and tomorrow is World Day Day, where you celebrate celebrating your favorite arbitrarily-named day! “Mint candy — whoa, spearmint? Peppermint? What kind of mint?” I bought a can of decompressed air; it was empty. “Politically active” is an oxymoron. Progress is driven by the insane. I have a wikipedic memory — I remember everything anonymous strangers insert in my mind. Why don’t you see any science fair reports on cooties? It’s grammatically possible the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were normal turtles who practiced a bastardized ninjutsu. If life made sense skinny people would be hungrier than fat people. I saw a horse using a paintbrush and told him, “I love what you’ve done with your hair.” One horse to another regarding Mr. Ed: “Why’s he speaking English? He’s too good for Horse?” Someone shit-faced is not necessarily a shit face, but a shit face is always a shit head, which doesn’t mean he’s got shit for brains, but he’s probably been shit-talking and it’d be the shit if he’d wipe that shit-eating grin, step in shit, eat shit and die. Shit, that was some crazy shit. Most people who say they believe in God don’t know what that means. Not everyone will love you, which is good, because I already get too many facebook invites. Rich men like antique objects and young women, who they consider objects. Ironically, most gold-diggers are fiscally irresponsible. Life is like a box of cereal. Tom Hanks called his volleyball “Wilson” because the island was too small to have a girlfriend. Am I damaged or healed? The phrase “mentally challenged” is more offensive and even less accurate than what it replaces — anyone solving a riddle is “mentally challenged”. Our path to inclusion is being retarded. That means slowed, which isn’t accurate in describing genetic differences of people who do many things very fast, like: smile, hug, laugh, and love. And count toothpicks. Everyone is different, and everyone is a mutation, and everyone is wonderful. Well, almost everyone. Ok, some people. Ok, nobody. We all suck.